photo credit: Denis Dervisevic

I stopped reading

Instead of reading books, I downloaded the Kindle app.  Then I ignored it for months and played Angry Birds during my commute.  Instead of grabbing a physical copy of the Onion, I downloaded the Reuters app and ignored that too.  Part of it was just my general news detox, but a lot of it was the phone.  There was just so much ELSE to do.  Why should I waste my time reading instead?

I stopped talking

Staring at my phone was the ultimate shield.  I wasn’t ever alone — I was always connected to somewhere else.  I could send emails, check Facebook, send a text or two … communicate with others without having to communicate with those around me.  I was so connected that I became disconnected.

I stopped thinking

Instead of watching the clouds move across the sky while waiting for the bus, I would hop onto my phone, load the CTA bus tracker website, select my route, select my stop … wait for it to load … wait for it to load … wait for it to — oh, there’s the bus.  Instead of remembering a map and an address, I’d plug it into the phone and let the GPS tell me where to go.  And I stopped discovering anything new, because I stopped getting lost and taking ‘shortcuts’.

Seriously?

Well, kind of.  There are obvious economic reason why it makes sense to sell an electronic device that still holds >80% of its original value instead of delaying and allowing it to become worthless.  And the overall cost to own an Android-powered phone is just starting to drop off a cliff (Virgin’s Samsung Intercept along with its $25 plan, AT&T’s new $15 data plans).  That timing make sense too — I can re-enter the market and be a few hundred dollars ahead.

Yes, I’ll buy another smartphone in the future, but I’m a dumphone guy for now.  And maybe that will make me smarter.  Those Windows Phone 7 ads cut a little too deep.  We’ll see how long this lasts.

People were sitting at the Elephant and Castle patio just chilling.  It’s got to be something non-catastrophic, but it certainly looked like mayhem from the train.  I think I see a boom-camera.

UPDATE: Megan Fox was not harmed in the taking of this picture.  She’s not even in this film.

Price

I bought a McDouble, a McChicken, and a small McCoke.  Total was $3.34.  I paid with a ten.  Change was $6.66.  I should have taken that as a sign.

Packaging

The sandwich is a DIY affair in most parts of the country and all parts are individually wrapped.  Both sandwiches are contained in a bag that touts the amazing standards of McDonald’s potatoes.  What are these standards?  Taste?  Freshness? Starch content?  Unknown.  Also unknown: what is that pig doing on the bag?  McDonald’s does not sell ham sandwiches.

Looking In The Bag

Opening the bag for the first time … two napkins obscure the … deliciousness(?) below.

Contents Of The Bag

That’s the McDouble on the left and the McChicken on the right.  Note the two napkins mentioned above.  They are likely more nutritious than the sandwiches.

Dry Run

I did a dry run of the assembly.  In high-pressure situations, it’s best to be prepared. Practice makes perfect.

McDouble Unwrapped

Here is the McDouble freed from its papery confines.  Note it’s packed rump-up.

McChicken Unwrapped

Here is the naked McChicken … also rump-up.

Flipped, Ready

All parts have been accounted for.  It’s time for assembly.  First, I flipped both sandwiches over and eased them closer together.  I wanted them to feel comfortable in each other’s space.  Mr. McDouble, meet Ms. McChicken.

McDouble, Opened Wide

This was the trickiest part of the assembly.  That cheese is a powerful a glue.

Halfway There

The McChicken is mounted on top of the bottom patty.  Feels kinda good, right, Ms. McChicken?

Distracted!

What’s under that bun?  Mayo, I think.  And shredded lettuce.  I will be eating lettuce for the next week.  But seriously, is that my hand?  It’s huge!  I didn’t realize I was a giant.

McGangBang Completely Assembled

Doesn’t that look … precarious?  Maybe it’ll look more delicious from another angle.

Angle Two

Also precarious.  Well, time to bite.  Enough stalling.  Relax, McDouble!  Try to enjoy this, Ms. McChicken.  It’ll be over soon, so be sure to savor it.

First Bite

The first bite brought the sandwich together.  All it needed was a little squeeze and some mouth action.  The two sandwiches have become united as one!  It tasted … McFlavorful.  I could definitely taste the chicken breading and the mayo.  And I could feel the texture of the cheese.  It mostly tasted like McDonald’s … kinda McFatty.

Gone!

I made you a McGangBang unboxing … and I eated it.  I will not do it again, but Mr. McDouble, Ms. McChicken … I bet I see you guys again soon.

1. NBC’s — Conan’s ratings are poor, therefore we cannot afford to continue.
2. Conan’s — Network incompetence is hurting the show, we’ll be able to figure it out with more time.

In hindsight, both contained some truth, but incompetence played a fairly big role in Conan’s failure.  Here’s how a little different thinking would have allowed him to succeed.

A TV Exec’s Dream

The hope was simple: bring in Conan and attract a younger audience; spin off Jay and grow his older audience with an earlier show.  That may make perfect logical sense to a TV executive — create two hit shows to double traffic.  But if you ask any political analyst, it is, as Sarah Palin would say, retarded.

The Political Reality

What NBC basically engineered was a Gore / Nader or a Bush / Perot situation.  They created a viable third party that siphoned votes from the main players.  People that would have chosen Conan’s Tonight Show if given two options were given a third option — Jay’s earlier show.  This group abandoned Conan’s show and didn’t stick around to watch more comedy later in the evening.   Jay’s ratings were abysmally low, but if added to Conan’s they would have likely put him ahead in the Dave vs. Conan battle.  By allowing Jay to have an earlier show, NBC ensured Conan’s failure.  And by fracturing the NBC audience, they ensured more people would give David Letterman another look.

And all this fits with the way the Tonight Show was handed off last time.  Johnny Carson didn’t spin off into an earlier slot — he turned into a recluse and was nowhere to be found.

So Conan, sorry man.  Can’t wait to catch your live show.

Get tickets to see Conan O'Brien live

It was a crowded mess, so we bailed early, exchanged our tickets, and watched it the next day instead.  Which is lesson 1.

1. Be early.  Web publishing it a lot like going to the movies — there’s no reason to be last to the party.  The good seats and the good drinks go to those that arrive first.  And when you’re saving a damsel in distress, best to arrive before she’s dead.
2. Know when to give up (at the movies and, in the case of Holmes, with women).  We’re getting to be much better at spotting lost causes than we used to be.  If we arrive at a restaurant and it seems hurried and behind, we’ll leave.  It’s not worth the agony.  Better to just try again another time than to get a pain in your neck.
3. Facts, you need facts.  Holmes is great when he’s in need of data.  He sniffs out the facts and then pieces together a theory.
4. Details matter.  Better to know that one of the bad guys has custom cap-toed bluchers than to know that the bad guy wears black dress shoes.
5. Theories come after you get the facts.  Don’t theorize before you have facts or you will “collect facts to fit the theory instead of creating theories to fit the facts”.  With web analytics it’s always tempting to theorize early on.  Best to collect data first.  Best to keep your distance from theories lest they become as ingrained as beliefs.
6. Be sneaky.  Sometimes you need to trick people (and Google Analytics) to get the data you need.  Untricked, they may just give you the data they think you want.  (Read about tainted altruism data in SuperFreakonomics.)  Many times you can’t just ask and receive.  You need to ask smartly.
7. Avoid fear.  Fear is poor motivation for meaningful action and reasoning.  Fear pollutes your mind.
8. When fighting somebody bigger than you, distract him, block his attack, go after the jaw (it’s weak), then the ribs (crack them), then punch him in the femur.  Finish him off with a heel kick to the chest.

I can’t wait to see what I learn from Avatar.