Look, you’re the CMO. You don’t have time for the Google or the Facebook or the Twitter. You have time for reading the iCrossing Great Finds blog, that’s about it. And LinkedIn? You’re not unemployed. Come on.

However, effectively managing your online identity is good insurance against negative content surfacing in search results targeting your name. If somebody writes a blog post about how you “suck,” it sure would be nice for that not to show up on page one of Google. What then do you do?

Find a body double – somebody with your same name – and make him your Saddam Hussein-style body double on Google. If your body double is on Facebook, sign him up for Twitter. If he’s on LinkedIn, get him on Squidoo. Create a Wikipedia page for him. Hell, create a custom home page with an optimized domain name about how great this guy is. Optimize the shit out of everything. Build links like crazy. Buy some AdWords and some 300×250 displays. Create YouTube videos about how your body double is totally awesome, and curate a Tumblr blog of his favorite images. Consider releasing a sex tape. Negative press targeting you won’t have a chance.

Or you could actively manage your own search presence. But search is just a fad anyway. Real business is done on paper.

Paul’s traveling the country as a digital nomad. Keep track of him, his wife, and their minivan home on drivinginertia.com.

People that still have the iPhone 3G, 3Gs

Not everybody pulled the trigger on the iPhone 4.  There are still a lot of 3s out there.  Either people’s contracts didn’t line up or they were scared off by the antenna thing — or they just didn’t want to spend the money — people that have the 3G/3GS version of the iPhone are the most likely to grab an iPhone 5.  Why?  Because people with the iPhone 4 just bought theirs, and it’s still badass.  The 3G/3GS just isn’t hip anymore.  It’s old.  It’s tired.  The 5 will be a big upgrade for anybody in this group.  And given that they’re already part of the family, they’re less likely to go Android.  But they will likely switch carriers.

The Apple Lovers

Yep, that’s an easy one.  People LOVE Apple.  And if you don’t care about cost and want the latest, greatest Apple toy, you’ll get one.

I’d bet these two groups make up at least 90% of the iPhone 5 market.  And they will buy a LOT of iPhones in the first month or so — and this will bey heavily hyped.  But long-term, I’m doubtful of Apple’s chances.  Mostly because of who’s NOT going to buy:

iPhone 4 Normals

Normal people, who don’t have sex dreams about Steve Jobs, are unlikely to buy the iPhone 5 if they already have an iPhone 4.  That’s tough.  The iPhone 4 was a good seller, and it’s unlikely the 5 is compelling enough to convince an owner of a 4 to upgrade.  As stated earlier, the 4 is badass.  So unless you’ve broken yours or cracked its case or NEED to switch networks, you’ll stick with what you’ve got.

The Kids

Will somebody think of the children?  Even if Apple releases a “cheap” version of the iPhone, the kids aren’t going to flock to it.  Mom and dad have iPhones.  The kids have Androids.  And the kids have Android phones because mommy and daddy can buy them for nothing (and iPhones aren’t cool anyway).  Unless Apple gives the cheapie version away for free, they’re not going to be able to compete with Google’s offering on price.  Can’t do it.

And no parents are such Apple fans that they’ll insist their children carry iPhones.  But nearly every parent likes to save money.  Android wins this round.  And these are the customers Apple can’t afford to lose.  And unless Sprint gives them away, it’s likely to lose too.

The other day I was on a call with Phoenix search engine optimization guru, James Constable, and he realized the audience was daunted.  They needed inspiration.  They needed encouragement.  They needed motivation …  They needed propaganda posters, James decided.  Something like: Keep Calm and Optimize.  SEO Needs YOU!

That’d do it.  SEO isn’t rocket science.  We can all do this.  Let’s all do this.  Post these in your offices immediately.

So far I’ve found their reputation for fanatical service to be absolutely true.  I love being able to jump on chat and immediately having somebody available.  And I’m excited about having Dappered on a cluster of servers instead of a single VPS.  I’m confident their reputation for reliability is true as well.

photo credit: mootown | Affordable men’s style needs more internets.

Upgrade to WPTouch Pro

Dappered has WPTouch Pro, but if you trust the footer of their mobile site, TechCrunch is using the free WordPress plugin for their site.  Come on, guys.  Shell out the $40 for the real deal.  We did for the fashion blog.  Take some of that AOL money and make the plugin work for your site too.  On the way home from work I saw that TechCrunch had rolled out an update, but I couldn’t switch to the non-mobile version of the site on my phone to check it out.  Annoying.  Make that work.

Go Back to Disqus Commenting

Here you report that Google+ is surging beyond anybody’s expectations, but you’re stuck on Facebook Comments for you site’s discussion.  Go back to Disqus.  It’s better (and, honestly, why I started to read Engadget instead of Gizmodo … and why I’m getting tired of Mashable).  Why are people flocking to Google+? Because they’re sick of being on Facebook.  Your comments are just a reminder of that soon-to-be-dead social network.  Get back on Disqus where multiple networks play nice. I’m sure they’re working on some sort of Google+ integration already.  If I was building a blog for my mother, I’d use Facebook Comments.  You’re TechCrunch — be better than that.  I understand the accountability argument, but accountability doesn’t lead to good discussions. Accountability leads to the discussion you have with your boss at your annual review. Disqus fuels the discussion you have with your co-workers at the bar afterward.  The uninhibited discussion at the bar is much more fun.

So two complaints.  Not bad, actually.  At least you’re still rocking WordPress.

photo credit: Robert Scoble | You, sir(s), are no Blake Lively.

1. These guys are fighting the perception that they’re just suckerfish on the Zuckerberg shark.  If they honestly think they’re the brains behind Facebook, they should use their brains to eclipse Facebook.  Why not start UConnect 2.0 on MySpace?
2. They’ve racketeered / extorted / won $65MM from Facebook.  Minus attorney fees which they maybe didn’t have to pay if their dad hooked them up, they’ve got the cash needed.  But they may have lacked the vision to pull in Timberlake and pull the trigger on the deal.
3. Supposedly they want to be media moguls — they want(ed?) to own / run / row Facebook, but they’re best known for dicking around in courthouses.  That’s not what moguls are know for.  If they want to be entrepreneurs, they should be doing entrepreneurial things.

That’s it.  Wish it would have happened.  Would have been wild.

photo credit: exfordy

photo credit: NicoleAbalde

photo credit: Slippy Slappy | What WordPress does on the internet.

1. Yes, CloudFlare, you tanked my search traffic.  I thought maybe that was my fault.  But then Debbie and Anurag complained too.  Three times is a pattern, buddy.  You break sites.  It may be temporary, but that’s not good enough for me.
2. I don’t really have the bandwidth problem you solve.  I host at DreamHost where I get unlimited bandwidth.  I just wanted to be nice and use less.
3. You stopped working one day.

So I turned you off, CloudFlare.  If I had a bandwidth problem, maybe I’d do some slick sub-domain setup where I’d set you up to serve images while my primary domain’s DNS remained unchanged.  Maybe.  Until then, I’m going back to never thinking about this again … because before you came around, I never had to.